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my heart。
I lay there； dazed； waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet。
〃By the way；〃 he said in a casual tone。 〃I'm not leaving you。〃
I didn't say anything； and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence。
He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his。 〃I'm not going anywhere。 Not
without you；〃 he added more
seriously。
〃I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a
normal； happy； human life。 I
could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of
danger； taking you away
from the world you belonged in； risking your life every moment I was with you。
So I had to try。 I had to
do something； and it seemed like leaving was the only way。 If I hadn't thought
you would be better off； I
could have never made myself leave。 I'm much too selfish。 Only you could be
more important than what I
wanted what I needed。 What I want and need is to be with you； and I know
I'll never be strong
enough to leave again。 I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that！
It seems you can't be
safe； no matter how many miles I put between us。〃
〃Don't promise me anything；〃 I whispered。 If I let myself hope； and it came to
nothing that would kill
me。 Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off；
hope would do the job。
Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes。 〃You think I'm lying to you now？〃
〃No—not lying。〃 I shook my head； trying to think it through coherently。 To
examine the hypothesis that
he did love me； while staying objective； clinical； so I wouldn't fall into the
trap of hoping。 〃You could
mean it now。 But what about tomorrow； when you think about all the reasons
you left in the first
place？ Or next month； when Jasper takes a snap at me？〃
He flinched。
I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me； tried to see
them through the filter of
what he was telling me now。 From that perspective； imagining that he'd left me
while loving me； left me
for me； his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning。 〃It isn't
as if you hadn't thought the
first decision through； is it？〃 I guessed。 〃You'll end up doing what you think
is right。〃
〃I'm not as strong as you give me credit for；〃 he said。 〃Right and wrong have
ceased to mean much to
me； I was ing back anyway。 Before Rosalie told me the news； I was already
past trying to live
through one week at a time； or even one day。 I was fighting to make it through
a single hour。 It was only
a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and
begged you to take me
back。 I'd be happy to beg now； if you'd like that。〃
I grimaced。 〃Be serious； please。〃
〃Oh； I am；〃 he insisted； glaring now。 〃Will you please try to hear what I'm
telling you？ Will you let me
attempt to explain what you mean to me？〃
He waited； studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening。
〃Before you； Bella； my life was like a moonless night。 Very dark； but there
were stars—points of light
and reason And then you shot across my sky like a meteor。 Suddenly
everything was on fire； there
was brilliancy； there was beauty。 When you were gone； when the meteor had
fallen over the horizon；
everything went black。 Nothing had changed； but my eyes were blinded by the
light。 I couldn't see the
stars anymore。 And there was no more reason for anything。〃
I wanted to believe him。 But this was my life without him that he was
describing； not the other way
around。
〃Your eyes will adjust；〃 I mumbled。
〃That's just the problem—they can't。〃
〃What about your distractions？〃
He laughed without a trace of humor。 〃Just part of the lie； love。 There was no
distraction from the the
agony。 My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years； but this was different。 It
was like my heart was
gone—like I was hollow。 Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with
you。〃
〃That's funny；〃 I muttered。
He arched one perfect eyebrow。 〃Funny？ 〃
〃I meant strange—I thought it was just me。 Lots of pieces of me went missing；
too。 I haven't been able to
really breathe in so long。〃 I filled my lungs； luxuriating in the sensation。
〃And my heart。 That was definitely
lost。〃
He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again。 I let my cheek press
against his hair； felt the
texture of it on my skin； smelled the delicious scent of him。
〃Tracking wasn't a distraction then？〃 I asked； curious； and also needing to
distract myself。 I was very
much in danger of hoping。 I wouldn't be able to stop myself for long。 My heart
throbbed； singing in my
chest。
〃No。〃 He sighed。 〃That was never a distraction。 It was an obligation。〃
〃What does that mean？〃
〃It means that； even though I never expected any danger from Victoria； I
wasn't going to let her get away
with Well； like I said； I was horrible at it。 I traced her as far as Texas；
but then I followed a false lead
down to Brazil—and really she came here。〃 He groaned。 〃I wasn't even on the
right continent！ And all the
while； worse than my worst fears—〃
〃You were hunting Victoria？〃 I half…shrieked as soon as I could find my voice；
shooting through two
octaves。
Charlie's distant snores stuttered； and then picked up a regular rhythm again。
〃Not well；〃 Edward answered； studying my outraged expression with a confused
look。 〃But I'll do better
this time。 She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out
for much longer。〃
〃That is out of the question；〃 I managed to choke out。 Insanity。 Even if he
had Emmett or Jasper help
him。 Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help。 It was worse than my other
imaginings： Jacob Black
standing across a small space from Victoria's vicious and feline figure。 I
couldn't bear to picture Edward
there； even though he was so much more durable than my half…human best friend。
〃It's too late for her。 I might have let the other time slide； but not now；
not after—〃
I interrupted him again； trying to sound calm。 〃Didn't you just promise that
you weren't going to leave？〃 I
asked； fighting the words as I said them； nor letting them plant themselves in
my heart。 〃That isn't exactly
patible with an extended tracking expedition； is it？〃
He frowned。 A snarl began to build low in his chest。 〃I will keep my promise；
Bella。 But Victoria〃—the
snarl became more pronounced—〃is going to die。 Soon。〃
〃Let's not be hasty；〃 I said； trying to hide my panic。 〃Maybe she's not ing
back。 Jake's pack probably
scared her off。 There's really no reason to go looking for her。 Besides； I've
got bigger problems than
Victoria。〃
Edward's eyes narrowed； but he nodded。 〃It's true。 The werewolves are a
problem。〃
I snorted。 〃I wasn't talking about Jacob。 My problems are a lot worse that a
handful of adolescent
wolves getting themselves into trouble。〃
Edward looked as if he were about to say something； and then thought better of
it。 His teeth clicked
together； and he spoke through them。 〃Really？〃 he asked。 〃Then what would be
your greatest problem？
That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential
matter in parison？〃
〃How about the second greatest？〃 I hedged。
〃All right；〃 he agreed； suspicious。
I paused。 I wasn't sure I could say the name。 〃There are others who are ing
to look for me；〃 I
reminded him in a subdued whisper。
He sighed； but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after
his response to Victoria。
〃The Volturi are only the second greatest？〃
〃You don't seem that upset about it；〃 I noted。
〃Well； we have plenty of time to think it through。 Time means something very
different to them than it
does to you； or even me。 They count years the way you count days。 I wouldn't
be surprised if you were
thirty before you crossed their minds again；〃 he added lightly。
Horror washed through me。
Thirty。
So his promises meant nothing； in the end。 If I were going to turn thirty
someday； then he couldn't be
planning on staying long。 The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize
that I'd already begun to
hope； without giving myself permission to do 5。0。
〃You don't have to be afraid；〃 he sai