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handsome afterwards； very handsome。'
They were both silent for several minutes： except that Young John
remarked； at about the middle of the pause； 'He both spoke and acted
very handsome。'
It was again Young John who broke the silence by inquiring：
'If it's not a liberty； how long may it be your intentions； sir； to go
without eating and drinking？'
'I have not felt the want of anything yet；' returned Clennam。 'I have no
appetite just now。'
'The more reason why you should take some support； sir；' urged Young
John。 'If you find yourself going on sitting here for hours and hours
partaking of no refreshment because you have no appetite； why then you
should and must partake of refreshment without an appetite。 I'm going to
have tea in my own apartment。 If it's not a liberty； please to e and
take a cup。 Or I can bring a tray here in two minutes。'
Feeling that Young John would impose that trouble on himself if he
refused； and also feeling anxious to show that he bore in mind both
the elder Mr Chivery's entreaty； and the younger Mr Chivery's apology；
Arthur rose and expressed his willingness to take a cup of tea in Mr
john's apartment。 Young John locked his door for him as they went out；
slided the key into his pocket with great dexterity； and led the way to
his own residence。
It was at the top of the house nearest to the gateway。 It was the room
to which Clennam had hurried on the day when the enriched family had
left the prison for ever； and where he had lifted her insensible from
the floor。 He foresaw where they were going as soon as their feet
touched the staircase。 The room was so far changed that it was papered
now； and had been repainted； and was far more fortably furnished； but
he could recall it just as he had seen it in that single glance； when he
raised her from the ground and carried her down to the carriage。
Young John looked hard at him； biting his fingers。
'I see you recollect the room； Mr Clennam？' 'I recollect it well； Heaven
bless her！'
Oblivious of the tea； Young John continued to bite his fingers and to
look at his visitor； as long as his visitor continued to glance about
the room。 Finally； he made a start at the teapot； gustily rattled a
quantity of tea into it from a canister； and set off for the mon
kitchen to fill it with hot water。
The room in the changed circumstances of his
return to the miserable Marshalsea； it spoke to him so mournfully of
her； and of his loss of her； that it would have gone hard with him to
resist it； even though he had not been alone。 Alone； he did not try。
He had his hand on the insensible wall as tenderly as if it had been
herself that he touched； and pronounced her name in a low voice。 He
stood at the window； looking over the prison…parapet with its grim
spiked border； and breathed a benediction through the summer haze
towards the distant land where she was rich and prosperous。
Young John was some time absent； and； when he came back； showed that he
had been outside by bringing with him fresh butter in a cabbage leaf；
some thin slices of boiled ham in another cabbage leaf； and a little
basket of water…cresses and salad herbs。 When these were arranged upon
the table to his satisfaction； they sat down to tea。
Clennam tried to do honour to the meal； but unavailingly。 The ham
sickened him； the bread seemed to turn to sand in his mouth。 He could
force nothing upon himself but a cup of tea。
'Try a little something green；' said Young John； handing him the basket。
He took a sprig or so of water…cress； and tried again； but the bread
turned to a heavier sand than before； and the ham （though it was good
enough of itself） seemed to blow a faint simoom of ham through the whole
Marshalsea。
'Try a little more something green； sir；' said Young John； and again
handed the basket。
It was so like handing green meat into the cage of a dull imprisoned
bird； and John had so evidently brought the little basket as a handful
of fresh relief from the stale hot paving…stones and bricks of the jail；
that Clennam said； with a smile； 'It was very kind of you to think of
putting this between the wires； but I cannot even get this down to…day。'
As if the difficulty were contagious； Young John soon pushed away his
own plate； and fell to folding the cabbage…leaf that had contained the
ham。 When he had folded it into a number of layers； one over another；
so that it was small in the palm of his hand； he began to flatten it
between both his hands； and to eye Clennam attentively。 'I wonder；' he
at length said； pressing his green packet with some force； 'that if
it's not worth your while to take care of yourself for your own sake；
it's not worth doing for some one else's。'
'Truly；' returned Arthur； with a sigh and a smile； 'I don't know for
whose。'
'Mr Clennam；' said John； warmly； 'I am surprised that a gentleman who
is capable of the straightforwardness that you are capable of； should be
capable of the mean action of making me such an answer。 Mr Clennam； I am
surprised that a gentleman who is capable of having a heart of his own；
should be capable of the heartlessness of treating mine in that way。 I
am astonished at it； sir。 Really and truly I am astonished！'
Having got upon his feet to emphasise his concluding words； Young John
sat down again； and fell to rolling his green packet on his right leg；
never taking his eyes off Clennam； but surveying him with a fixed look
of indignant reproach。
'I had got over it； sir；' said John。 'I had conquered it； knowing that
it must be conquered； and had e to the resolution to think no more
about it。 I shouldn't have given my mind to it again； I hope； if to this
prison you had not been brought； and in an hour unfortunate for me；
this day！' （In his agitation Young John adopted his mother's powerful
construction of sentences。） 'When you first came upon me； sir； in the
Lodge； this day； more as if a Upas tree had been made a capture of than
a private defendant； such mingled streams of feelings broke loose again
within me； that everything was for the first few minutes swept away
before them； and I was going round and round in a vortex。 I got out of
it。 I struggled； and got out of it。 If it was the last word I had to
speak； against that vortex with my utmost powers I strove； and out of it
I came。 I argued that if I had been rude； apologies was due； and those
apologies eaning； I did make。 And now； when
I've been so wishful to show that one thought is next to being a holy
one with me and goes before all others……now； after all； you dodge me
when I ever so gently hint at it； and throw me back upon myself。 For； do
not； sir；' said Young John； 'do not be so base as to deny that dodge you
do； and thrown me back upon myself you have！'
All amazement； Arthur gazed at him like one lost； only saying； 'What is
it？ What do you mean； John？' But； John； being in that state of mind in
which nothing would seem to be more impossible to a certain class of
people than the giving of an answer； went ahead blindly。
'I hadn't；' John declared； 'no； I hadn't； and I never had the
audaciousness to think； I am sure； that all was anything but lost。 I
hadn't； no； why should I say I hadn't if I ever had； any hope that it
was possible to be so blest； not after the words that passed； not even
if barriers insurmountable had not been raised！ But is that a reason why
I am to have no memory； why I am to have no thoughts； why I am to have
no sacred spots； nor anything？'
'What can you mean？' cried Arthur。
'It's all very well to trample on it； sir；' John went on； scouring a
very prairie of wild words； 'if a person can make up his mind to be
guilty of the action。 It's all very well to trample on it； but it's
there。 It may be that it couldn't be trampled upon if it wasn't there。
But that doesn't make it gentlemanly； that doesn't make it honourable；
that doesn't justify throwing a person back upon himself after he has
struggled and strived out of himself like a butterfly。 The world may
sneer at a turnkey； but he's a man……when he isn't a woman； which among
female criminals he's expected to be。'
Ridiculous as the incoherence of his talk was； there was yet a
truthfulness in Y