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as frugally and economically as possible， but you must pardon me for
having defrauded you for thirty years。 At the mencement of our married
life， you allowed a small sum for the wants of the kitchen ， and the
other household expenses。 When our establishment increased and our property
grew larger ， I could not persuade you to increase the weekly allowance
in proportion ： in short ， you know ， that ， when our wants were greatest，
you required me to supply everything with seven florins a week。 I took
the money from you without an observation ， but made up the weekly deficiency
from the money…chest； as nobody would suspect your wife of robbing the
household bank。 But I have wasted nothing ， and should have been content
to meet my eternal Judge without this confession， if she ， upon whom
the management of your establishment will devolve after my decease， would
be free from embarrassment upon your insisting that the allowance made
to me ， your former wife ， was sufficient。〃
I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable manner in which men allow
themselves to be blinded； how any one could avoid suspecting some deception，
when seven florins only were allowed to defray expenses twice as great。
But I have myself known people who believed ， without any visible astonishment，
that their house possessed the prophet's never…failing cruse of oil。
JULY 13。 No ， I am not deceived。 In her dark eyes I read a genuine
interest in me and in my fortunes。 Yes， I feel it； and I may believe
my own heart which tells me —— dare I say it？—— dare I pronounce
the divine words？—— that she loves me！
That she loves me ！ How the idea exalts me in my own eyes！ And，
as you can understand my feelings ， I may say to you ， how I honour
myself since she loves me ！
Is this presumption ， or is it a consciousness of the truth？ I do
not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte； and yet
when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and affection， I
feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his honours and titles ，
and deprived of his sword。
JULY 16。 How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger ，
or my feet meet hers under the table！ I draw back as if from a furnace
； but a secret force impels me forward again ， and my senses bee
disordered。 Her innocent， unconscious heart never knows what agony these
little familiarities inflict upon me。 Sometimes when we are talking she
Iays her hand upon mine ， and in the eagerness of conversation es
closer to me， and her balmy breath reaches my lips ，—— when I feel
as if lightning had struck me ， and that I could sink into the earth。
And yet ， Wilhelm， with all this heavenly confidence，—— if I know
myself， and should ever dare —— you understand me。 No， no ！ my heart
is not so corrupt ， it is weak ， weak enough but is not that a degree
of corruption ？
She is to me a sacred being。 All passion is still in her presence
： I cannot express my sensations when I am near her。 I feel as if my
soul beat in every nerve of my body。 There is a melody which she plays
on the piano with angelic skill ，—— so simple is it， and yet so spiritual！
It is her favourite air ； and， when she plays the first note， all pain，
care， and sorrow disappear from me in a moment。
I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music。 How
her simple song enchants me ！ Sometimes， when I am ready to mit suicide，
she sings that air； and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over
me are dispersed， and I breathe freely again。
JULY 18。 Wilhelm， what is the world to our hearts without love ？
What is a magic…lantern without light ？ You have but to kindle the flame
within， and the brightest figures shine on the white wall； and， if
love only show us fleeting shadows， we are yet happy ， when ， like
mere children ， we behold them ， and are transported with the splendid
phantoms。 I have not been able to see Charlotte to…day。 I was prevented
by pany from which I could not disengage myself。 What was to be done？
I sent my servant to her house， that I might at least see somebody to…day
who had been near her。 Oh ， the impatience with which I waited for his
return！ the joy with which I weled him！ I should certainly have caught
him in my arms， and kissed him ， if I had not been ashamed。
It is said that the Bonona stone， when placed in the sun ， attracts
the rays， and for a time appears luminous in the dark。 So was it with
me and this servant。 The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt on his countenance，
his cheek ， his very apparel ， endeared them all inestimably to me，
so that at the moment I would not have parted from him for a thousand
crowns。 His presence made me so happy ！ Beware of laughing at me ， Wilhelm。
Can that be a delusion which makes us happy ？
JULY 19。 〃I shall see her today ！〃 I exclaim with delight， when
I rise in the morning ， and look out with gladness of heart at the bright，
beautiful sun。 〃I shall see her today ！〃 And then I have no further wish
to form ： all， all is included in that one thought。
JULY 2O。 I cannot assent to your proposal that I should acpany
the ambassador to _______。 I do not love subordination； and we all know
that he is a rough， disagreeable person to be connected with。 You say
my mother wishes me to be employed。 I could not help laughing at that。
Am I not sufficiently employed？ And is it not in reality the same， whether
I shell peas or count lentils ？ The world runs on from one folly to another
； and the man who， solely from regard to the opinion of others， and
without any wish or necessity of his own， toils after gold ， honour ，
or any other phantom， is no better than a fool。
JULY 24。 You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing ， that
it would be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have
lately done。
I never felt happier， I never understood nature better ， even down
to the veriest stem or smallest blade of grass； and yet I am unable to
express myself： my powers of execution are so weak ， everything seems
to swim and float before me ， so that I cannot make a clear， bold outline。
But I fancy I should succeed better if I had some clay or wax to model。
I shall try ， if this state of mind continues much longer， and will
take to modelling ， if I only knead dough。
I have menced Charlotte's portrait three times ， and have as often
disgraced myself。 This is the more annoying ， as I was formerly very
happy in taking likenesses。 I have since sketched her profile ， and must
content myself with that。
JULY 25。 Yes， dear Charlotte ！ I will order and arrange everything。
Only give me more missions ， the more the better。 One thing ， however，
I must request： use no more writing…sand with the dear notes you send
me。 Today I raised your letter hastily to my lips ， and it set my teeth
on edge。
JULY 26。 I have often determined not to see her so frequently。 But
who could keep such a resolution？ Every day I am exposed to the temptation，
and promise faithfully that to…morrow I will really stay away ： but，
when tomorrow es ， I find some irresistible reason for seeing her
； and， before I can account for it， I am with her again。 Either she
has said on the previous evening 〃You will be sure to call to…morrow，
〃 —— and who could stay away then ？——or she gives me some mission，
and I find it essential to take her the answer in person； or the day
is fine ， and I walk to Walheim； and， when I am there， it is only
half a league farther to her。 I am within the charmed atmosphere， and
soon find myself at her side。 My grandmother used to tell us a story of
a mountain of loadstone。 When any vessels came near it， they were instantly
deprived of their ironwork： the nails flew to the mountain ， and the
unhappy crew perished amidst the disjointed planks。
JULY 30。 Albert is arrived， and I must take my departure。 Were he
the best and noblest of men ， and I in every respect his inferior， I
could not endure to see him in possession of suc